Some people consider it boastful for a writer to label certain columns his “best.” So I wasn’t going to do that. But then I remembered something: I’m writing this on my own website. An entire corner of the Internet dedicated to me. Does it get any more boastful than that? Perhaps if I had a parade float. Or a street named after me. And not just some crappy pedestrian walkway where street names don’t really count. I mean a real street, with turn arrows, and curbside parking, and maybe a couple of Texacos.
But I don’t have any of that, so this is the next best thing.
The Maserati Ghibli Is a Luxury Sedan That Sucks at Luxury – June 29, 2015
Good news, ladies and gentlemen! I have decided to devote an entire column to the Maserati Ghibli, which is a highly expensive new luxury sedan that offers roughly the same level of actual luxury as a floor lamp.
Here’s Why My Dad Will Never Buy Anything But a Lexus Ever Again – June 24, 2015
So I’m on vacation the other day, and I get a text message from my dad saying that he’s returning to the Lexus dealership service department for the second time in a day.
Whenever new people find out that I have a Hummer, they always ask roughly the same question. First they’re surprised, and then they compose themselves a little, and then they say: What kind of gas mileage do you get? Of course, what they’re really thinking is: What kind of an asshole are you?
I Raced My Hummer On an Actual Race Track – May 28, 2015
A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a racing instructor named Ron, asking if I wanted to get some track time in my Nissan Skyline GT-R. So I pondered Ron’s question for several minutes, and I really thought about it, and then a light bulb went off in my head. And this is how I ended up on a race track with a 7,000-pound military vehicle designed to support a machine gun turret.
Here’s Why You Should Never Buy a Ferrari F355 – May 26, 2015
There’s an old saying that compares exotic cars to beautiful women. Sometimes you can’t resist enjoying her beautiful, sensual curves, the saying goes. Sometimes, you’re stuck on the side of the road because the engine has exploded into a thousand pieces no larger than the human eyeball.
Here’s How To Drive a Right-Hand Drive Nissan Skyline GT-R in America – May 20, 2015
Whenever I get behind the wheel of my Nissan Skyline GT-R — a truly seminal Japanese performance car with one of the most enduring, iconic shapes of our generation — I am always overcome with a certain special, powerful sense. Namely, a sense of deeper respect for the men and women of the United States Postal Service.
I didn’t think I would like it very much. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m willing to admit it now: when I first asked you for car suggestions, and you told me to import a Nissan Skyline GT-R, I wasn’t very excited about it. I figured it would be just another used Japanese car: an overhyped, overrated dinosaur, and after a few months I would get bored and sell it to a kid who uses the phrase “should of” in text messages.
Here’s What It’s Like to Drive a Hummer in a Big, Crowded City – April 29, 2015
I’ve decided to devote today’s column to answering a pressing question that many of you have no doubt been asking: what if I live in the middle of a large, crowded, major city, but my automobile of choice is an enormous, gas-guzzling military vehicle?
I Drove the Fiat 500L and I Hated Every Second – April 14, 2015
I recently had the chance to drive a Fiat 500L in Istanbul, Turkey, a wonderful Eastern European city that’s home to a wide range of beautiful mosques, and excellent restaurants, and lovely neighborhoods, and people who drive like they’re fleeing the Kraken.
Here’s Everything You Didn’t Know About the Original Hummer – April 8, 2015
As many of you know, I recently purchased a Hummer. And not one of those H2 or H3 knock-off Hummers that are owned by people who wear football jerseys to church. I mean the hardcore, military-style, original Hummer, which shares its overall aerodynamic profile with a state map of Utah.
Here’s What It’s Like to Drive a 30-Year-Old Mercedes G-Wagen – March 11, 2015
I recently had the opportunity to drive a diesel-powered 1987 Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen. This is just like the plush, high-tech G-Wagen models that all the celebrities drive, except instead of an infotainment system, mine had an altimeter.
Here’s How People Illegally Import Cars Into the United States – February 11, 2015
As many of you know, I’m currently in the midst of importing a Nissan Skyline GT-R to the United States. Some of you have asked why I chose the Skyline GT-R, and so today I must reveal the answer to this question: because I still have thousands of leftover Gran Turismo 2 credits I can use to buy sweet mods.
Acura Botched Every Single Aspect of the NSX Launch – January 14, 2015
I still remember when I first heard that Acura would be coming out with a replacement for the famed NSX sports car. It was 1987; I was still in the womb, and the original NSX hadn’t even come out yet.
Here’s Why Volkswagen Is Last Year’s Biggest Loser – January 8, 2015
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the year is over. The holidays are behind us, the decorations are coming down, the eggnog has been consumed. And that means there’s only one thing left to do: make fun of Volkswagen’s sales figures.
Here’s Why It’s Really, Really Hard to Buy a Rare Car – January 6, 2015
Recently, I’ve been getting a number of messages from readers inquiring about my next car. Dear Doug, these messages say. When are you going to get your head out of your ass and realize that the Lincoln Mark V is the car for you? Then they send me several grainy 1970s press photos of the Lincoln Mark V, which – for those of you who don’t know – is essentially an aircraft carrier with wire wheels.
Here’s Why The Audi S4 V8 Is an Awful Car – December 30, 2014
It happened about five months ago. I’m sitting around the house in my underwear, wondering how the hell Drew Carey puts up with all those aging Midwesterners who scream like an airplane-riding infant the second they win a bottle of Listerine. And I get a message from Jalopnik editorial fellow Chris Perkins.
Here’s How I Once Bought a Used Mercedes For Half Its Value – December 18, 2014
Gather ’round, kiddies, because it’s time for a feature I’ve decided to call Story Time With Uncle Doug. Here’s how it works: first, I spend hours writing an excellent, brilliantly researched story of great personal interest, possibly related to Land Rover. Then, you read the first few paragraphs and think: “Hmm… I wonder if Tavarish has posted anything today.”
Here’s Why the 996 Turbo Is the Best Porsche 911 You Can Buy – December 2, 2014
Whenever people find out that I worked for Porsche, they always ask the same thing. They look at me for a second, then they think. Then they look at me again, and they think some more. And then they say: “Are you the asshole who designed the Panamera?”
Here’s How You Can Park Overnight in Manhattan For Free – November 13, 2014
A friend and I recently booked a hotel room in Washington, D.C., for one night. The room came to around $190 total, or a reasonable-for-D.C. $95 per person. And the parking? $48 plus tax.
That’s right, folks: forty-eight bucks. In other words: I’ve purchased working microwaves that provided me with years of sustenance for the same amount of money that it costs to park an automobile in Washington, D.C., for one night.
Here’s What Happened When I Tried to Sell My Ferrari to CarMax – October 29, 2014
If you’re a regular reader, you probably know that I write two frequent series here on Jalopnik. In one, I document all the problems I have with my used Range Rover, which I bought two years ago from CarMax with a bizarrely comprehensive six-year warranty. In the other, I tell you what it’s like to own a used Ferrari. These columns are very popular, and most people seem to like them, except the folks over at the Ferrari and Land Rover message boards who believe I am worse than the Taliban.
Attention Infiniti: Please Stop With All the Concept Cars – October 9, 2014
Well, ladies and gentlemen, another auto show has come and gone, and I think we all know what that means: Infiniti has released yet another ridiculous concept car that will never, under any circumstances, see production.
Here’s Why Free Maintenance Is Just a Marketing Gimmick – September 9, 2014
A friend of mine recently purchased a Toyota Corolla. Here’s how it happened: my friend came up to me one day and said “I’m going to purchase a Toyota Corolla!” And I replied: “OH GOD NO!! WHY??!? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?? TO SOCIETY?? TO HUMANITY!?? YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING THAT’S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!!”
Here’s What Happened When I Drove 900 Miles in a Fully Loaded U-Haul – September 2, 2014
I recently completed a 900-mile move from Atlanta to Philadelphia. It was long, and arduous, and difficult, and I spent a large portion of it wishing I could claw my eyes out with a flathead screwdriver. Here I’m referring to the part of the move where I had to deal with Comcast.
Sorry, Folks: Modifications Don’t Increase Your Car’s Value – August 14, 2014
I’ve decided to devote today’s column to that dreaded Craigslist ad. You know the one I’m talking about.
A 50-Year-Old Regulation Stops Us From Getting Cool Headlights – June 23, 2014
I recently learned that Mercedes-Benz, official automaker of drivers who put tissue boxes on the rear shelf, has updated the CLS for the 2015 model year. This is great news, and I invite you all to join me in expressing our collective excitement by asking the following question: They still make the CLS?
I recently spent a few days in California, noted location of beautiful weather, breathtaking scenery, and thousands of smelly, bearded men who sleep in their Volkswagen Vanagons.
I recently learned that the state of Ohio, whose official state rock song – this is a completely true fact – is “Hang On Sloopy” by The McCoys, issues bright yellow license plates to people convicted of driving under the influence. That’s right: the folks in the Ohio state legislature have come up with an entirely new, brightly colored way to make its DUI offenders miserable, as if simply living in Ohio wasn’t punishment enough.
Here’s Why Land Rover Doesn’t Care About J.D. Power Ratings – May 12, 2014
Another day, another Land Rover victory in a JD Power survey. Assuming that you turn the chart upside down.
As a journalist, I feel that it’s my duty to provide you, the reader, with carefully researched columns that employ unbiased facts to present multiple sides of today’s most complex issues. So today I’m going to use a lot of hyperbole and anecdotal evidence to write about German cars.
Option Packaging Is the Most Annoying Thing in the Car Industry – April 14, 2014
I’ve decided to devote today’s column to one of the most annoying, perplexing, upsetting issues in the entire modern automotive industry.
Here’s Why I Will Never Ever Let a Valet Drive My Car – March 11, 2014
For months, I have stood idly by, drumming my fingers on my desk and waiting for a story that could really turn journalism on its head; a story that could really change the world as we know it. Here I am thinking of Woodward and Bernstein reporting on Watergate, or Matt Drudge breaking the Lewinsky scandal. “Those guys took down a president,” I think to myself. “I want a story like that.” Well, fortunately, I’ve finally found it: I’m going to write about how a valet scratched my car. For those of you on the Pulitzer Prize committee, that’s D-E-M-U-R-O, with a capital “M.”
Attention Automakers: You Don’t Need a Corporate Grille – January 7, 2014
The Lexus GX460 is the ugliest car on sale today. There, I said it. I said it so you didn’t have to. You were thinking it, of course. But you were afraid to say it, largely because you were worried that an angry Lexus GX460 would come after you and use its enormous front grille to gnaw on your family.