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Owning a Hummer

Yes, that’s right: in my ongoing effort to buy vehicles that everyone wants to learn about but nobody wants to personally own, I’ve purchased a Hummer. It’s big, it’s yellow, it’s slow, it’s unwieldy, and it’s awful. In other words: the next few months are going to be tremendously enjoyable.


Here’s What Random Strangers On The Street Think About My Hummer – July 8, 2015

I recently had the opportunity to find out what random strangers on the street think about my Hummer. I did this from a safe distance, observing through a lens, like a field biologist trying to assess zebra mating patterns.


Here’s What Happens When Your Hummer Breaks Down On a Busy Street – July 14, 2015

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My Hummer recently caused me great embarrassment and shame. This is in addition to the great embarrassment and shame that you already get from merely owning a Hummer.


I Hypermiled My Hummer to See What Gas Mileage I Could Get – June 10, 2015

Whenever new people find out that I have a Hummer, they always ask roughly the same question. First they’re surprised, and then they compose themselves a little, and then they say: What kind of gas mileage do you get? Of course, what they’re really thinking is: What kind of an asshole are you?


I Raced My Hummer On an Actual Race Track – May 28, 2015

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A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a racing instructor named Ron, asking if I wanted to get some track time in my Nissan Skyline GT-R. So I pondered Ron’s question for several minutes, and I really thought about it, and then a light bulb went off in my head. And this is how I ended up on a race track with a 7,000-pound military vehicle designed to support a machine gun turret.


I Let 20 Of My Friends Drive My Enormous Hummer – May 13, 2015

I recently let 20 of my friends drive my enormous, military-style Hummer through a city that was designed back when the Clydesdale was the largest form of transportation. It was great.


Here’s What It’s Like to Drive a Hummer in a Big, Crowded City – April 29, 2015

As many of you know, I recently purchased a Hummer. And not one of those H2 or H3 knock-off Hummers that are owned by people who wear football jerseys to church. I mean the hardcore, military-style, original Hummer, which shares its overall aerodynamic profile with a state map of Utah.


My Neighbor Anonymously Left An Angry Note On My Hummer – April 21, 2015

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I recently became acquainted with one of my neighbors. Actually, “acquainted” isn’t really the right term. More like: “anonymously berated for owning and operating a giant yellow Hummer.”


Here’s Everything You Didn’t Know About The Original Hummer – April 8, 2015

As many of you know, I recently purchased a Hummer. And not one of those H2 or H3 knock-off Hummers that are owned by people who wear football jerseys to church. I mean the hardcore, military-style, original Hummer, which shares its overall aerodynamic profile with a state map of Utah.


Comparison Test: Original Mini vs. Original Hummer – March 18, 2015

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I recently had the opportunity to drive an original Mini back-to-back with my original Hummer. This was a very unusual experience, and it felt a lot like that scene in Castaway where Tom Hanks is floating through the ocean on a raft made of sticks until he’s rescued by a cargo ship the size of greater Baltimore.


Buying a Hummer Is a Lot Harder Than You Might Think – March 10, 2015

As many of you know, I recently purchased a Hummer. For those of you who don’t know much about the Hummer, allow me to explain: this is a hardcore, serious, off-road-ready military vehicle designed to do battle in camel-infested nations, except mine has a CD player.


Here’s How I Crushed a Chrysler PT Cruiser With a Hummer – March 4, 2015

By now, you’ve probably seen the video where I use a Hummer to crush a Chrysler PT Cruiser. If you haven’t, then boy, that was a hell of a spoiler.


Here’s Why I Bought a Chrysler PT Cruiser – March 3, 2015

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As many of you know, I’ve owned a series of remarkable cars in my lifetime. Porsche. Ferrari. BMW M. Mercedes AMG. Lotus. Land Rover. Cadillac CTS-V. And now, I’m adding another highly recognizable name to my unique car history: the Chrysler PT Cruiser.