Yes, it’s true: sometimes I step out of the world of cars and into the normal, human world, which is full of things like iPods, and silverware, and malted milk balls. These are some of my favorite columns to write and my most popular columns with readers – or at least with my mother, because they don’t include references to carburetors.
Why Doesn’t Anyone Ever Call You Back? – July 9, 2015
I’ve recently come into contact with several customer service people who don’t really serve the customer. I’m not entirely sure who these people serve. I think maybe they just play Minesweeper all day.
Why Are People Still Using Cash? – July 2, 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today with an important news bulletin: there are still human beings, walking among us, who pay for things with cash.
Can We Please Stop With All The Kale? – June 25, 2015
Our country is currently mired in a nationwide health food epidemic. I know this because people who were previously normal, regular human beings keep coming up and talking to me about kale.
Loud Restaurants Need to End – June 4, 2015
I recently spent the evening screaming at my friends. This took place at one of those upscale restaurants where you ask for “tap water” and they look at you like you’re trying to take a selfie of your butt cheeks.
I’d like to take a moment here to share with you something troubling I learned over the weekend: the great Australian capital city of Canberra has been invaded by a giant monster made out of toilet paper. I discovered this surprising fact courtesy of Bluetooth.
Dear Craigslist Landlord: You Suck – May 14, 2015
Dear Potential Landlord,
Thank you so much for listing your apartment for rent on Craigslist.
Today, we’re going to discuss the crazy Germans. You know the ones: they wear bizarre eyeglasses. They drive diesel hatchbacks. They use harsh, angry syllables, so you think they’re always plotting some brutally violent criminal activity, when actually they’re discussing train schedules.
Please Stop Complaining About Parking Enforcement – April 30, 2015
Today’s column will provide a voice for the voiceless; an outlet for those poor souls among us who spend every day on the streets, only to be berated and abused by the wealthy upper crust. Yes, that’s right: I am referring to meter maids.
Please Don’t Ever Leave Me a Voicemail – April 23, 2015
In the giant, all-encompassing list of life’s huge and enormous inconveniences, I would rank “receiving a voicemail” as number one. Death would be number two.
Here’s Why I Will Never Visit a Big-Box Retail Store Again – April 16, 2015
I have recently decided that I will never again visit a big box retail store. Never, ever, under any circumstances, ever, as long as I live, at any point, in my entire life, ever again. Unless it’s midnight and I have a craving for malted milk balls.
Let’s Revisit What It Means To “Share The Road” – April 9, 2015
As many of you know, I recently moved to Philadelphia, a wonderful American city that’s home to excellent restaurants, and thrilling history, and beautiful architecture, and a wide range of bicyclists who received their training from the Grand Theft Auto franchise.
Here’s Why Tipping Is Actually A Good Thing – April 2, 2015
I recently returned from Europe, where I had a lovely vacation that primarily consisted of a) seeing all the wonderful, breathtaking, beautiful, historic sights that they have in Istanbul and Malta, and b) waiting for restaurant servers to bring me my bill.
No, I Won’t Recommend You For a Job, Because You Suck – March 19, 2015
I just survived one of the most awkward situations known to man, and today I’m going to tell you exactly how I did it.
Dear Call Center Guy: I’m Sorry I Yelled At You – March 12, 2015
As many of you know, I’ve been doing the whole “self-employed writer” thing for about two years now. This job has presented many challenges, such as the one that comes when you realize it’s lunch time, and you have to put on clothes if you want to go outside and buy a sandwich.
Craigslist Is a Terrible Place to Actually Buy Anything – March 5, 2015
I am proud to announce that I recently discovered the magic of Craigslist. What I mean by this is: I recently attempted to buy something on Craigslist, which I discovered is a futile task that should only be attempted by the clinically insane.
For God’s Sake, Shut Up About Credit Cards and Airline Miles – February 26, 2015
I recently had the opportunity to sit down for lunch with two friends: an investment banker and a business consultant. In other words: I recently had the opportunity to waste an hour of my life discussing credit card rewards and airline miles.
Here’s What Working From Home Is Really Like – February 19, 2015
As many of you know, I work from home. This provides me with a quiet, secure atmosphere where I can really concentrate, and think, and focus on my writing, until a strange-looking insect crawls by on the floor and distracts me for 20 minutes.
Signing Your Name Is the Strangest Thing You Do – February 12, 2015
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the aliens. Not the illegal immigrant kind; the government seems to have that problem under control, in the sense that there’s a heated debate about it every few months, and you have congressmen calling each other names, and shoving each other as they board that little electric tram underneath the Capitol, and then eventually they move on to another issue and hope the problem solves itself.
No, I’m referring to space aliens; the little green men from faraway planets; the ones that Mulder and Scully would chase around the country while wearing unusually long overcoats.
You’re Not a Photographer, You’re Just a Teenager With a Nikon – February 5, 2015
So I’m on Facebook the other day, browsing through pictures of people I went to high school with in order to make sure they aren’t happier than me, and I get a notification from somebody I barely know. I’ll call her “Sarah,” because that’s her name.
Can We Please Stop Arguing About Music? – January 29, 2015
I recently sat down for lunch with an old friend. It was going well, and we were having a great time, laughing and catching up, until the discussion turned to music. That’s when she released the kind of fury that you really only see in those old John McEnroe tennis videos, where the ball bounces out, and the judge calls it out, and then McEnroe spends the next few minutes telling the judge to get cancer.
Can You Please Stop Talking On Your Cell Phone in Public? – January 22, 2015
Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! I recently learned a few highly important points that I’d like to share with you. First, I learned that Todd is doing great in college. Solid 3.2 grade-point average, just like his father. I also learned that Lucy is deciding between two colleges, and she’s not quite sure which one she likes best. And little Rachel? Well, I learned that she’s still a long way away from college. Hell, it was her Bat Mitzvah only last week! Oh, and most importantly: I learned all of these things dramatically against my will.
Here’s How to Deal With Someone Parking in Front of Your Driveway – January 15, 2015
I recently had an epiphany. Not a small epiphany, either, like the kind you get when you think there’s no food in the house, and you’re about to start eating notebook paper, and then you discover a lone bag of popcorn in the back of your pantry. I mean a real epiphany, like when you realize there’s an eye in the center of a hurricane and an “i” in center of the word hurricane.
Here’s What Happened When I Went On Australian Television – January 7, 2015
I recently became a bona fide television personality. A true, real-life celebrity, if you will; a world-renowned star of the small screen, known globally for my wit and charm. What I mean by this is: I recently spent three minutes on an Australian morning show, where I temporarily forgot the word “ramp.”